Managing Conflict

Managing conflict ~ a process where an individual or couple has to manage peoples’ differing feelings or views about issues, get them to a point where these disparate views can co-exist together, and agree on a way to proceed forward together.

Conflict management is about managing peoples’ feelings and consequent behaviours with a view to achieving greater functionality/success in various, essential relationships. Managing conflicting feelings or views within relationships that require closeness or workability most often leads to more functional and desirable outcomes. Whether this is with a couple, within a family, within a community or group, or in the workplace the same principles apply.

Conflict is an inevitable and essential part of family life. Although it often seems hard and can cause a lot of anxiety and upset, it’s also an important part of life in general. One problem for people in managing conflict is that anger and conflict are often confused with abuse. They are however, quite different. While anger and conflict can be healthy and normal, abuse is dysfunctional and a problem. Anger and conflict are an expression of feelings, needs and some times hurts and confusion - abuse is threatening and potentially dangerous.

definition of abuse ~ Abuse is any behaviour that is directed at a person to:

a. devalue,
b. to cause genuine fear (seriously threatening) or excessive punishment, and
c. to injure, (to cause damage) emotionally, psychologically or physically.

Conflict is not necessarily a problem; sometimes you need conflict to be heard, to defend your interests or needs and to be able to vent strong feelings. Often, avoiding conflict can cause even more problems. Conflict is more often less of a problem than the process by which conflict is expressed (i.e. how you conduct yourself), and how you manage the needs of your relationships within the context of the conflict or disagreement.

When we need to assert ourselves or feel strongly about things, sometimes we need conflict to show those around us how we feel. If you need people around us to change, to do things differently, or to realise how important an issue is that’s when you may need conflict. Sometime you need conflict for you to come to a realisation and be able to change your own mind, or to get to a point where you are willing to negotiate and to compromise. We can’t always expect everyone to know what we need of them or to feel or want the same things we do. And that’s when conflict often arises.

Some people, families and cultures are more comfortable with conflict. Others do almost everything to avoid it. Some people get stuck in conflict with seemingly no way out. Some people have excessive conflict and abuse. Conflict is often hard to deal with. It makes us feel uncomfortable and stressed. However, it is essential for healthy people and relationships and is often the only route to functional change. When we can do this well, we can get our needs met. The result is we feel loved and valued. When we can’t express our feelings and get our needs met, resentment often builds and we grow apart.

Fergus has had extensive experience in managing conflict issues in a wide range of situations. Whether it is to assist couples to understand conflict in their relationship, parent-child conflict, in-law issues, problems in the workplace or managing problems in the community or groups.

Learning how to assert ourselves and manage conflict is one of the most important things we can do for our relationship and ourselves.