Sexual
Issues
When
a couple present in therapy for sexual problems, it is very rare
that they have a sexual problem alone. Most times, the sexual issue
is only part of a wider problems or issues within the relationship.
In a percentage of cases, a person may have a medical condition
that may be the prime cause for their problem, and they should be
referred on accordingly. It’s more common, however, that a
couple have a sexual problem (that may or may not be related to
a medical condition) that exacerbates other relationship issues.
Most people
feel nervous talking about their sexuality and sexual problems.
Counselling to deal with sexual problems does not have to be explicit
and the boundaries of the discussion can always be discussed and
negotiated. Most sexual problems are more about feelings and skills
in expressing thoughts and negotiation – and these also form
a great part of discussion.
Fergus has had
extensive training and experience in sexual counselling and it has
always been part of his clinical practice. He approaches sexual
issues in a matter-of-fact way that helps deflect the normal anxiety
that this issue generates. Fergus often has to focus on educational
issues with sex as most people are not aware of all the physiological,
social, gender and relationship issues that impact on a sexual relationship.
Fergus recommends the book: “Good Loving, Great Sex - Finding
Balance When Your Sex Drives Differ” by Dr. Rosie King (Random
House Australia). The following website has more info: harrymmiller.com.au/Dr_Rosie.html.
Some
Common Myths
There are a
lot of myths around sexuality that are not helpful.
- Men always
do and women always don’t.
- Simultaneous
orgasm.
- Most women
can reach orgasm though normal sexual intercourse.
- The more
you love someone the sexier you should feel.
- Good sex
is normal.
- Sex should
never get boring.
- There are
certain tricks to getting perfect sex (esp. women)
- Because
people have been in a relationship for some time they have negotiated
their sexual needs.
- Sex should
always be exciting.
- Sex is natural
or, at least, good sex is.
- Sex = intercourse.
- Both partners
have to be fully committed.
- All adults
have a comprehensive (or at least a basic) understanding of sex.
- Sex should
be spontaneous.
Some
Important Facts
- Sexual experience
differs greatly through the life cycle and is greatly affected
by life events.
- Men and
women can view and experience sex very differently.
- Men are,
on average, more genital focused.
- Sex, like
all other aspects of relationships, has to be redefined over time.
- Not all
penises and vaginas match.
- A large
proportion of women can't reach orgasm by intercourse alone.
- Good sex
has to be negotiated.
- Outer-course
(or pleasuring) is easier to manage than intercourse, and as a
result can be much more fun and less hassle.
- Due to different
arousal times men and women are often out of sync.
- When women
are stressed or tired they feel less sexy - while men often use
sex as a de-stresser and to relax.
- Women often
want to feel special before they can feel sexy, men want to be
sexy first then they feel special.
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