Affairs

Affairs are a common problem that prompts people to seek relationship therapy. Affairs tend to throw relationships and systems into crisis at some stage - often, after which, the relationship may never be the same again. Affairs represent a breach of trust in a relationship. They may involve lots of cheating, hurts, secrets, lies and breaches of intimacy and, as such, create a ‘crisis of faith’ in the relationship. Within therapy, affairs may present as an immediate problem (as on-going concern or just post being revealed or discovered) or an unresolved issue from some time ago.

When clients attend counselling with an affair as the ‘presenting problem’, they are usually in crisis. It is also a time when they may have very differing goals, needs and agendas. Very often, at least one partner will view the affair itself as ‘catastrophic’ and an issue of much consternation. Very often the infidel would like to forget the whole incident while the injured party feels betrayed and wants retribution. The therapist’s aim is to assist the parties to establish what they really want and to unravel the complex emotions that both parties are feeling

Types of Affairs

Affairs come in very different forms. They can range from an unplanned ‘one-night stand’, to a substantial relationship that can extend over a number of years. In different contexts, they can have very different meanings for each partner, and differing impacts on the relationships and systems. Affairs range in form:

• Short term and long term.
• Affairs of the ‘heart’, or sexual relationships.
• Heterosexual, bi-sexual, or homosexual.
• Differing power, and/or resource balances, or be relatively equal power and resource balance.
• Intra-, or extra-familial.
• Sanctioned, tolerated, or ‘illegal’ within the primary relationship.
• Obsessional Affairs.
• One, or both partners are aware.
• One, or two sided.
• Accepted, or denied.

About Affairs

• Affairs don't ‘just happen’ by themselves. If people take responsibility for their emotions, actions and feelings, they soon realise that affairs require a number of conscious decisions.
• Affairs do not necessarily end relationships. They don’t have to affect the primary relationship so badly that it is permanently damaged. Most relationships seem to survive affairs.
• Sexual intimacy is not the same as emotional intimacy.
• Not all of the effects of affairs are necessarily bad. When you view affairs in a systems context, they may actually provide an important function in a relationship. They may, eventually, have a productive, or stabilising effect on the primary relationship.
• While most affairs are conducted in private, most people who have affairs set up the situation to be found out sooner or later.